Computer Jokes
Post jokes you find and like here ;)
Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works. Linux is for those who want to know why their computer works. DOS is for those who want to know why their computer doesn't work. Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work.
Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you open Windows.
lol nice hawk, iv got hundreads of these :P
If operating systems ran airlines:
DOS Airlines - Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then jumps on and lets the plane coast until it hits the ground again, then push again, jump on again and so on and so on.
MAC Airlines - All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers and ticket agents look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done without you even having to know so just shut up.
OS/2 Airlines - To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form showing where you want to sit and whether if should look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you succeed in getting on board the plane and the plane succeeds in getting off the ground, you have a wonderful trip …except times when the rudder and flaps get frozen in position, in which case you have time to say your prayers and get yourself prepared for the crash.
WINDOWS Airlines - The terminal is nice and colorful, with friendly stewards and stewardesses, easy access to the plane and an uneventful takeoff. Then the plane blows up without any warning whatsoever.
WINDOWS NT Airlines - Everyone marches out on the runway, says the password in unison and forms the outline of a plane. Then they all sit down and make a whooshing noise like a plane.
Windows95 Airlines - The captain has been announcing boarding plans for about a year and as soon as it's ready you'll be told where you are going. In the meantime you can stand at the window and crane your neck with reporters from every magazine on the continent.
UNIX Airlines - Everyone brings one piece of the airplane with them when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they are building.
here is one
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ON THE COMPUTER TOO LONG…
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D…".
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for omitting the "else" clause.
You try to sleep, and think sleep(8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours /
When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialling an IP number…
When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.
Here is the source code to the Windows Operating system for those who want it!
#include <system_errors.h>
#include <stdlib.h>
char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
main()
{
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu())
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
printf("Welcome to Windoze 3.999 (we might get it right \
or just call it Chicargo)\n");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
while(1) {
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
if (rand() < 0.9)
crash(complete_system);
}
return(unrecoverable_system);
}
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
if you havent seen this one already check it out
http://www.firefoxflicks.com/flick/index.php?sort=rtg&id=19542&c=false
i didnt really make it or anything but its funny
Proof that Bill Gates is the Devil
The real name of "the" Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the order of third (3rd.)
By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:
B 66 I 73 L 76 L 76 G 71 A 65 T 84 E 69 S 83
- 3
666 !!
Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?" Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement???
Before you decide, consider the following:
M S - D O S 6 . 2 1 77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666
W I N D O W S 9 5 87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666
Coincidence? i think not!!! :P
http://www.slothmud.org/~hayward/mic_humor/billgat2.jpg <– (am i doing something wrong?)
something like this… :angry::happy:
a microsoft support technician goes into a firing range.. he shoots ten bullets at the target 50m away… the supervisors check the target byt are surprised to see he didnt even hit it once. They shout to him thats hes missed completely. The technician tells them to check again, then fires a shot into his foot, blowing it off. He shouts down to the supervisor: "its wokring fine up here the problem must be down your end."
God called a meeting of George Bush, Tony Blair and Bill Gates. "ive given you all the tools to make this world a better place" he said" "and you fucked up. so im gonna end the world in 40 days." Bush goes on Tv and says "i have good news and bad news. the good news is that God exists and the bad news is that the world is ending in 40 days" Blair goes on TV in Britain and says "i have bad news and i have worse news. The bad news is that god is angry. and the really bad news is hes gonna destroy us." Bill Gates called all his workers together and says. "i have good news and better news. The good news is that god thinks im one of the three most important people in the world. and the better news is that we dont have to fix all the bugs in Vista!!!"
http://www.slothmud.org/~hayward/mic_humor/billgat2.jpg
^^ pffft. i hate images like that. alwys idiots who think MS and billgates are evil. people who think that are nothing more than idiotic pricks.
do some research before you go bashing MS and bill gates perhaps.:|
Mr_Cheese wrote: http://www.slothmud.org/~hayward/mic_humor/billgat2.jpg
^^ pffft. i hate images like that. alwys idiots who think MS and billgates are evil. people who think that are nothing more than idiotic pricks.
do some research before you go bashing MS and bill gates perhaps.:|
But they ARE evil, check the post minermonk made. The proof is there, look!
(naah just kidding, I am running Windows XP)
Mr_Cheese wrote: http://www.slothmud.org/~hayward/mic_humor/billgat2.jpg
^^ pffft. i hate images like that. alwys idiots who think MS and billgates are evil. people who think that are nothing more than idiotic pricks.
do some research before you go bashing MS and bill gates perhaps.:|
i just found teh pic funny :angry::(
Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you open Windows.
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
They say when you play that Microsoft CD backward you can hear satanic messages … but that's nothing. If you play it forward it will install Windows.
Unix is user friendly. It is not ignorant-friendly and idiot-friendly.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):
"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
- For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
- Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
- Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
- Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
- Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
- Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
- The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
- New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
- The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
- Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
- GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
- Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
- You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
F.Y.I. i dont hate windows, i have xp, i just thought these were funny
a few more
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
-
They replicate quickly. … Okay, Windows does that.
-
Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. … Okay, Windows does that.
-
Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. … Okay, Windows does that too.
-
Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. … Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
-
Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. … Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus. … It's a bug.
You have just received the Amish virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please forward this message to everyone in your address book and then delete all files on your hard drive.
Thank you.
Linux - the ideal operating system for CPU's that are never powered up.
Windows 95: The first program, having its best-before-date include in its name.
A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it. "Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."
How totally random equations have showed me hackers, time, math all lead to the devil. Get all the times of the day which are similar to binary. 0100 0101 0110 0111 1000 1001 1010 1011 1100 1101 1110 1111. Transform those into hex as if they were binary. 45 67 89 ab cd ef. Add the hex together. Make the letters their position in the alphabet. The product will now be called time hexed. (222) Now if you take time hexed and subtract that from leet (1337) you get 1115. 1337 – 222 = 1115. Take the most numbers (111) and add them together. (3) This will be 1337 p. (product). Multiply 1337 p. by time hexed and you get 666. So all in all- the end of time is decided by binary and time shall end by the devil who’s number is 666.
Flaming_figures wrote: How totally random equations have showed me hackers, time, math all lead to the devil. Get all the times of the day which are similar to binary. 0100 0101 0110 0111 1000 1001 1010 1011 1100 1101 1110 1111. Transform those into hex as if they were binary. 45 67 89 ab cd ef. Add the hex together. Make the letters their position in the alphabet. The product will now be called time hexed. (222) Now if you take time hexed and subtract that from leet (1337) you get 1115. 1337 – 222 = 1115. Take the most numbers (111) and add them together. (3) This will be 1337 p. (product). Multiply 1337 p. by time hexed and you get 666. So all in all- the end of time is decided by binary and time shall end by the devil who’s number is **666.**666 was disproven as Satans number, but rather Nero's number. Zing.
Three more!
In a world without walls and fences - who needs Windows and Gates?
What is the difference between Jurassic Park and Microsoft? One is an over-rated high tech theme park based on prehistoric information and populated mostly by dinosaurs, the other is a Steven Spielberg movie.
If Windows 95 is the answer, how stupid must have been the question?
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
- None. real computer geeks prefer LEDs.
- None. It's a hardware problem!
- Just one. But the house falls down.
- Two. One resigns halfway through the project.
-
- One to change the bulb and one to explain binary.
- Is this a dynamically allocated light bulb?
Prettylong one, but its a classic:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT … .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,track expenses and run my business. What have you got? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W". COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet? ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One. COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need! ABBOTT: Real One. COSTELLO: If it's a long movie! I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them? ABBOTT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great! With what? ABBOTT: Real One. COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOTT: You click the blue "1". COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOTT: The blue "1". COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w? ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"! ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world. COSTELLO: It is? ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there. COSTELLO: And that word is real one? ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office. COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A FEW DAYS LATER . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on "START"………
Bill gates dies after many years of making billions. He goes p to the gates of heaven where he finds god waiting. God starts talking to him "hello bill as you may have guessed im god. i was really stumped o where to put you as the arguement for going to heaven is you are almost solely responsible for putting a computer in most western world homes therefore dramatically improving the quality of life but the arguement against is you created windows. ill show you them both first then you make your choice." so bill is first shown heaven where he sees people wearing white with halos and wings drifting around in the clouds. "It looks ok" says bill. he then goes down to hell and sees loads of really attractive topless women running around in waves on a tropical beach. so then god asks him the question "where do you want to go? heaven or hell?" so bill replys " no offence but heaven looks a bit dull compared to hell" so god sends him to hell. A few days later god goes to hell to check on bill. "hi bill how are you doing?" bill replys as he is roasting in lava "this is aweful what happened to alls those beautiful women on that tropical beach?" god replys "oh that was the screensaver as satan uses winxp"
there you go another bill gates joke
(% represents the csh, $ represents the bourne shell)
% "How poorly would you rate the UNIX (so-called) user interface? Unmatched ".
% rm congressional-ethics rm: congressional-ethics nonexistent
% ar m God ar: God does not exist
% [Where is Jim? Missing ].
% ^How did the sex change^ operation go? Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have? Too many ('s.
%make love Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me bad character
% got a light? No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce? man:: Too many arguments.
% ^What is saccharine? Bad substitute.
% \(- (-: Command not found.
% sh
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense no sense in pretending
$ drink <bottle; opener bottle: cannot open opener: not found
$ mkdir matter; cat >matter matter: cannot create
Or, in a System V (att) universe:
$ cat "can of food" cat: cannot open can of food
Jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft.
The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.
'You are employed" he said. "Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start".
The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email".
"I'm sorry", said the HR manager. If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."
The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only ?10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg crate of tomatoes. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with ?60. The man realised that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US . He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email.
The man replied, "I don't have an email."
The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"
The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"
Moral of the story: M1 - Internet is not the solution to your life. M2 - If you don't have internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire. M3 - If you received this message by email, you are closer to being an office boy/girl, than a millionaire…
Pay attention - Do not forward this email back to me, I am closing my email & going to sell tomatoes!!!!
Has this one been said;
There are only 10 types of people in this world. People who understand binary, and people who don't.
These next ones are really jokes or about computers, but i find them funny.
1f U (4n R34d 7Hi5 7h3N u n33D 70 637 L4Id
My pokemon bring all the nerds to the yard, and they are like "You wanna trade cards?" Darn right, I wanna trade cards, Ill trade you this one, but not my Charizard.
Define your terms for software releases:
Advanced User: A person who has managed to remove a computer from its packing materials.
Power User: A person who has mastered the brightness and contrast controls on any computer monitor.
American Made: Assembled in America from parts made abroad.
Alpha Test Version: Too buggy to be released to the paying public.
Beta Test Version: Still too buggy to be released.
Release Version: Alternate pronunciation of "Beta Test Version".
Sales Manager: Last week's new sales associate.
Consultant: A former sales associate who has mastered at least one tenth of the dBase III Plus Manual.
Systems Integrator: A former consultant who understands the term AUTOEXEC.BAT.
AUTOEXEC.BAT: A sturdy aluminum or wooden shaft used to coax AT hard disks into performing properly.
Backup: The duplicate copy of crucial data that no one bothered to make; used only in the abstract.
Clone: One of the many advanced-technology computers IBM is beginning to wish it had built.
Convertible: Transformable from a second-rate computer to a first-rate doorstop or paperweight. (Replaces the term "junior".)
Copy Protection: A clever method of preventing incompetent pirates from stealing software and legitimate customers from using it.
Database Manager: A program that allows users to manipulate data in every conceivable way except the absolutely essential way they conceive of the day after entering 20 megabytes of raw data.
EMS: Emergency Medical Service; often summoned in cases of apoplexy induced by attempts to understand extended, expanded, or enhanced memory specs.
Encryption: A powerful algorithmic encoding technique employed in the creation of computer manuals.
FCC-Certified: Guaranteed not to interfere with radio or television reception until you add the cable that is required to make it work.
Hard Disk: A device that allows users to delete vast quantities of data with simple mnemonic commands.
Integrated Software: A single product that deftly performs hundreds of functions that the user never needs and awkwardly performs the half-dozen he uses constantly.
Laptop: Smaller and lighter than the average breadbox.
Multitasking: A clever method of simultaneously slowing down the multitude of computer programs that insist on running too fast.
Network: An electronic means of allowing more than one person at a time to corrupt, trash, and otherwise cause permanent damage to useful information.
Portable: Smaller and lighter than the average refrigerator.
Support: The mailing of advertising literature to customers who have returned a registration card.
Transportability: Neither chained to a wall or attached to an alarm system.
Printer: An electromechnical paper shredding device.
Spreadsheet: A program that gives the user quick and easy access to a wide variety of highly detailed reports based on highly inaccurate assumptions.
Thought Processor: An electronic version of the intended outline procedure that thinking people instantly abandon upon graduation from high school.
Upgraded: Didn't work the first time.
User Friendly: Supplied with a full color manual.
Very User Friendly: Supplied with a disk and audiotape so the user need not bother with the full color manual.
Version 1.0: Buggier than Maine in June; eats data.
Version 1.1: Eats data only occasionally; upgrade is free, to avoid litigation by disgruntled users of Version 1.0.
Version 2.0: The version originally planned as the first release, except for a couple of data-eating bugs that just won't seem to go away; no free upgrades or the company would go bankrupt.
Version 3.0: The revision in the works when the company goes bankrupt.
Videotex: A moribund electronic service offering people the privelege of paying to read the weather on their television screens instead of having Willard Scott read it to them free while they brush their teeth.
Warranty: Disclaimer.
Workstation: A computer or terminal slavishly linked to a mainframe that does not offer game programs.
I guess this counts…
I did the server changeover at a large psycologists firm this weekend. one of the hard drives in the old server was on the way out, slow data read/write speed and getting so hot that we couldn't touch it.
So we got a desk fan to point at it. had to prob it up against some dell machines which wound up getting kicked and stood on all weekend. nothing like using a stupid machine to save a real computer ;)
God called a meeting of George Bush, Tony Blair and Bill Gates. "ive given you all the tools to make this world a better place" he said" "and you fucked up. so im gonna end the world in 40 days." Bush goes on Tv and says "i have good news and bad news. the good news is that God exists and the bad news is that the world is ending in 40 days" Blair goes on TV in Britain and says "i have bad news and i have worse news. The bad news is that god is angry. and the really bad news is hes gonna destroy us." Bill Gates called all his workers together and says. "i have good news and better news. The good news is that god thinks im one of the three most important people in the world. and the better news is that we dont have to fix all the bugs in Vista!!!"
found this one off that link to computer jokes, its funny cos its true :D
As part of its effort to standardize the user interface and functionality of all Windoze 2000 programs, Windoze producer Micromafia has proposed the following guidelines. They will make your development strategy consistent with the development strategy at Micromafia.
-
Start by having your R&D staff search the net and other sources for popular applications until they find one that would look good in a box with the art division's latest logo.
-
The R&D staff must now completely replicate that product, changing the interface slightly and adding no less than 20,000 extra "features," at least 100 of which must really be bugs that they didn't feel like fixing.
-
Do NOT, under any circumstances, test the product. This is a waste of time and money. Ship the first beta that arrives on your desk. In fact, don't bother even getting it on your desk. Just ship every build that comes along. Users like upgrades. Besides, you can charge people for bugfixes cleverly disguised as "service packages". Users love service packages.
-
Hopefully someone's written a user's manual. In fact, it's probably readable by a normal human being. This is unacceptable; perform a find and replace operation on random English words, replacing them with technical terms and acronyms. Users like acronyms; they add mystery to a product. Never tell what an acronym means; this is unprofessional. You may even wish to make up your own acronyms; again, don't tell what they mean. For every sensible sentence, you lose at least three calls to your $200-per-incident tech support line. Users love calling tech support, especially when there are fifty touch tone menus that all lead to the same two people.
-
Prepare for shipping. Have your team of 57 lawyers create a prefabricated license agreement. If you do not have 57 lawyers, hire or fire as necessary so that you do have 57 lawyers. Be sure that the license agreement includes a "by opening the box, you agree to this" statment. Then put it inside the box. Users will perceive this as a joke and laugh. Users love involuntarily binding themselves to legal agreements.
-
Before shipping, invest in shrink wrap. Shrink wrap the manual. Shrink wrap the CD. Shrink wrap each and every floppy disk separately. Shrink wrap the "getting started" card. Shrink wrap the registration card. Shrink wrap the card from your grandmother. Then dump the whole mess in a box and shrink wrap it. Pack several boxes inside a larger brown box with 5,637 non-decomposable foam peanuts (each one shrink wrapped individually, of course). Be sure the foam peanut count is exactly 5,637. Remove or add shrink-wrapped foam peanuts as necessary. Throw in a roll of bubble wrap because of its entertainment value.
-
Ship the product and move your entire R&D and art staff to the $200-per-incident tech support lines.
auto accident; register voters; static electricity; struct by_lightning; void *where_prohibited; char broiled; short circuit; short changed; long johns; unsigned long letter; double entendre; double trouble; union organizer; union jack; float valve; short pants; union station; void check; unsigned check; struct dumb by[sizeof member]; union onion;
/*if GCC extensions are allowed / long long ago; / in a galaxy far far away */
const ipated; case closed: double or_nothing; short sighted; void if_removed; /* warranty */ volatile buggy_code; unsigned anonymous; int erbreed;
/* Borland's additional C keywords */: huge penis; interrupt ed; near sighted; far out;
men() { goto pub; pub: return pissed; }
women() { goto bathroom; bathroom: while (1) ; }
moshbat wrote: sorry to tell you, but the devil's number is actualy 616. it was changed a long time ago for some reason i cannot remember.. google it :p:D
It was changed quite recently, but the Bible still says '666'.
Wikipedia says:
Different early versions of the Book of Revelation gave different numbers, and 666 had been widely accepted as the original number. In 2005, however, a fragment of papyrus was revealed, containing the earliest known version of that part of the Book of Revelation discussing the Number of the Beast. It gave the number as 616, suggesting that this may have been the original.
Cool Multiplication technique for large numbers
They say that if you play a Windows CD backwards,it will play satanic messages.Play it forwards and it installs Windows.
A man goes ballooning one day and soon realizes that he is lost.He lowers his balloon and sees a man."excuse me"he says,do you know where I am? "Yes"he replied,"You are in a balloon,200 feet above the ground".To which the man replied "You work in Information Technology,i guess".The man on the ground replied"Yes,how do you know?""Well,the information you gave me is precise and technical,but it's useless for me"The man on the ground replied"I assume that you work in marketing""Yes I do,how did you guess?" To which he replied"You don't know what you're doing,how you're doing it,and you ask for my help,and all of a sudden it's my fault"
Berkeley's two most famous products are LSD and UNIX.Isn't it too much of a coincidence?
http://www.gnu.org/fun/humor.html
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,125772-page,1/article.html
I feel like I am raising the dead here… One liners
I found a trojan on your computer… your disgusting..
My RAT is watching you…
Life's a batch
When there are too many bugs for you to handle - close your windows
My friend used a trojan and passed it to me to use… I got a virus off of it.
|-|0\/\/ |)1|) '/0(_) |<|\|0\/\/ 1 \/\/45 7|-\1|?733|\|
And a true story and tip - Read your comps warranty. My warranty states that all fixes will be made if taken to a professional etc. Then it says it is void if any part of the computer is broken.
read this,
A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane .
The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he want to play a fun game . The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines , turns away and tries to sleep .
The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game . He explains , " I ask a question and if you dont know the answer you pay me 5$. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer i I'll pay you 5$."Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep .
The Programmer , now somewhat agitated , says , " O.K., if you dont know the answer you pay me 5$ and if i dont know the answer I pay you 50$ " Now, that got the Engineer's attention , so he agrees to the game .
The Programmer asks the first question, " What's the distance from the earth to the moon ?" Then the Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer 5$.
Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer , " What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four ?" .The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look , takes out his laptop computer , looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer 50$.The Engineer politely takes the 50$ turns away and tries to return to sleep .
The Programmer , a little miffed , asks ," Well what's the answer to the question ? "
Without a word , the Engineer reaches into his wallet , hands 5$ to the Programmer , turns away and returns to sleep .
Zephyr, I think you should buy a lottery ticket. I was following your posts while they happened… I lmao'd @ school when I actually saw firesalehaxor's post about HAL.dll ^_^
Just remember me when you hit the big one, since it is my idea hehe
[/offtopic]
G0G0 wrote: why do you care if it makes sense or not! and you being not able to understand a joke is NOT my problem so shut up and try not to offend every human being you reply to.
It's funny… the only "human beings" I offend are the ones that get their ignorance pointed out to them. You, just as many of the other people on this site, are quick to throw some half-assed comment onto the forum when, really, you haven't even read the thread well enough to say ANYTHING.
Why do I care if it makes sense? I don't have to be a moderator to care how the forums look. I want to be able to read things that are constructive, not some twit that can't decide between talking out of his arse and being an arse.
Oh, and it's not that I didn't understand your joke… it was just lame. Combined with the fact that you posted some stupid comment before that, it became even more lame. So, I responded accordingly. Next time, act like a sensible human being, and you will get a respectful response. As others will tell you, I generally reply very amiably in these forums.
ThorsDecree wrote: Zephyr, I think you should buy a lottery ticket. I was following your posts while they happened… I lmao'd @ school when I actually saw firesalehaxor's post about HAL.dll ^_^
Yeah, that was uncanny… but, very, very funny. :D
Bastard Operator from Hell (BOfH)
Good stuff. :)
It's funny… the only "human beings" I offend are the ones that get their ignorance pointed out to them.
so now i'm ignorant because i posted a comment "now i won't kill you" it wasn't even to you!
You, just as many of the other people on this site, are quick to throw some half-assed comment onto the forum when, really, you haven't even read the thread well enough to say ANYTHING.
first i did read the thread,
and i don't think it matters that much anyway since the name is "Computer Jokes" and i didn't post a physics lesson.
second you can't judge me by saying "You, just as many of the other people on this site" , you don't even know me.
Why do I care if it makes sense? I don't have to be a moderator to care how the forums look. I want to be able to read things that are constructive, not some twit that can't decide between talking out of his arse and being an arse.
your the arse one , cuz its ridiculus to get upset about it in the first place (how old r u?)
Oh, and it's not that I didn't understand your joke… it was just lame. Combined with the fact that you posted some stupid comment before that, it became even more lame. So, I responded accordingly. Next time, act like a sensible human being, and you will get a respectful response.
i didn't get unrespectful response except from you! and to be honest i don't care about your opinion
your just another stupid guy who think he knows everythin about everything and don't know how to express himself except by flaming others
As others will tell you, I generally reply very amiably in these forums.
the "others" that you just offended too :
You, just as many of the other people on this site, are quick to throw some half-assed comment onto the forum when, really, you haven't even read the thread well enough to say ANYTHING.
and yes i can see that form your reply to me.
G0G0 wrote: your just another stupid guy who think he knows everythin about everything and don't know how to express himself except by flaming others
Ahh… so, I think I know everything? Hmm… okay. The thread title is "Computer Jokes". This:
Zephyr_Pure wrote: Substitute "Cry like a little girl" for "kill you", and it makes a whole lot more sense.
… was a joke. If you weren't so dense, you would've realized that. When you got serious in your response, I got serious. I suggest you realize how to either lighten up or be serious on a consistent basis… your moody little bitch attitude isn't needed.
… was a joke. If you weren't so dense, you would've realized that. When you got serious in your response, I got serious.
yeah i usually get serious about offending (not funny) jokes.
I suggest you realize how to either lighten up or be serious…
i suggest you stop suggesting others, and i'm both btw.
your moody little bitch attitude isn't needed.
i suggest you (re)read your replys to me before you say i have a bitch attitude ,
and usually i don't offend others or even get close to offend them unless they started it.
dunno if they have been said but here are a couple : ** The gates in my computer are AND, OR and NOT; they are not Bill.**
and
"Nobody will ever need more than 640k RAM!" – Bill Gates, 1981 "Windows 95 needs at least 8 MB RAM." – Bill Gates, 1996 "Nobody will ever need Windows 95." – logical conclusion
and
"When the grammar checker identifies an error, it suggests a correction and can even makes some changes for you." – Microsoft Word for Windows 2.0 User's Guide.
koolkeith12345 wrote: "Nobody will ever need more than 640k RAM!" – Bill Gates, 1981 "Windows 95 needs at least 8 MB RAM." – Bill Gates, 1996 "Nobody will ever need Windows 95." – logical conclusion
lol this one is great :D
and i couldn't get the last one :|
i think i need to get some sleep before i read it again :whoa:
I just wrote this in an msn convo, but I thought it was pretty funny, and then remembered this thread, and in my mind some amazing calculations took place, which resulted in me deciding to post it here:
God,
Hi, I am just emailing you to let you know that there is a potentially harmful RFI vulnerability in the 'head' module of your 'human' application (v2.6, running in Linux). An attacker could use this vulnerability to include some harmful foreign material into the 'head' module, such as the 'bullet' payload (causing a system-wide DoS, or a DDos when using the payload 'shotgun').
Here is a Proof of Concept: http://your-body.com/head.php?object=http://evil-attacker.com/lead-bullet.php
the line you need to patch is: <?php include '$skull.php'; ?> (line 13)
to:
<?php $skull = htmlentities($skull); include '$skull.php';?>
Wolfrat
wow this one really gives me a good thought of microsoft is :D
(thought it was cool)
Reasons Why Windows Is Not A Virus
-
Viruses are free.
-
Viruses don't take up most of your hard drive.
-
Viruses don't need 80 megs of RAM.
-
Viruses don't have major bugs.
-
Viruses don't have three different sets of documentation.
-
Viruses don't leak info to the press about the upcoming Jerusalem 95, to keep people from switching to Michelangelo/2 Warp.
-
Viruses aren't on every computer.
-
Nobody cares if a virus turns out to be 16 bit, even though it is advertised as 32…
-
Viruses install themselves !
You guys might have heard this one but here goes:
The 'Perfect Password'
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and atthe appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:
P…E…N…I…S
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
Not much of a joke, but an analogy I made up in the irc a few minutes ago, hope you get a laugh :]
"If Firefox was a high school student, IE would be the retarded sophomore who only got as far as he did because the principal put him in the special program for kids not allowed to touch sharp things"
–Sircx
ShapeShifters wrote: You guys might have heard this one but here goes:
The 'Perfect Password'
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and atthe appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:
P…E…N…I…S
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
Nice one man :)
3 ppl argue on which has the most ancient job (surgeon, architect, programmer ).
first the surgeon: "I of course have the most ancient job since god created eve from a rip of adam"
architect: "before he did that he created the universe from chaos"
programmer: "and who do you think created the chaos ?"
sacman wrote: 3 ppl argue on which has the most ancient job (surgeon, architect, programmer ).
first the surgeon: "I of course have the most ancient job since god created eve from a rip of adam"
architect: "before he did that he created the universe from chaos"
programmer: "and who do you think created the chaos ?"
haha nice one. I liked that.
10 signs co-worker is a computer hacker.
1)You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.
2)He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.
3)When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
4)Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
5)Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
6)Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net".
7)Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
8)Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
9)When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President".
10)You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, dumbass."
koolkeith12345 wrote: [quote]ynori7 wrote: there are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who dont.
old!!!
try working out what 132 is in binary using your hands then go show someone how smart you are.[/quote]
Yes the joke is old but you were the one who read it. Your problem not his.
For the record 132 = 10000100 yes i did it in my head.
Zephyr_Pure wrote: [quote]crayzzgoalee wrote: The old lady or the slow computer guy who download something and it says "Press any key to exit" and they ask where the any key is.
thats a true :facepalm: ya know?
Oh, crap… it's another newb skipping through the forums and bumping long-dead threads. :angry:[/quote]
Along comes another one :D
Remotely on topic…
http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/11/funny-pictures-cognitive-disonance.jpg
LOLCATS :D
ranma wrote: Webcam whores :whoa:?
Attention whores with a web cam. They talk about things like puberty and why no one likes whiny people.
They often post pictures like this on myspace, facebook, etc.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_-MXLODejnzQ/ShlavwOsOgI/AAAAAAAAKw8/4kFMzG20KXs/s400/Picture+0005.jpg
maug wrote: I feel like punching something till it dies now. That cat looks pretty tastey. And you can please not necro threads, especially if all you are going to do is promote things that make me hate the internet (lol cats, webcam whores, spam, etc)
Go and eat that cat… i'm sure its very tasty. I got bored…really bored so i necro'ed the thread (better then making another one imo).
ShapeShifters wrote: [quote]sacman wrote: 3 ppl argue on which has the most ancient job (surgeon, architect, programmer ).
first the surgeon: "I of course have the most ancient job since god created eve from a rip of adam"
architect: "before he did that he created the universe from chaos"
programmer: "and who do you think created the chaos ?"
haha nice one. I liked that.
10 signs co-worker is a computer hacker.
1)You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.
2)He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.
3)When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
4)Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
5)Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
6)Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net".
7)Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
8)Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
9)When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President".
10)You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, dumbass." [/quote]
I believe the correct term is script kiddie!;) JK I'm lame:|